Christmas Day: No Penis Enhancer’s or Lotto Winning…Almost

A true disappointment today was, as I woke up on the lovely morning of December 25th, 2007…or as the majority of us like to call it, Christmas Day. I began my normal routine, a shower, and shave. Then I went to check on the Christmas tree and finally off to the computer to check all 53 email accounts I have for various websites I run. I expected no business mail what’s so ever, but to my dismay I also had no junk mail.

Now on this day I expect all the local stores to be closed and not to be able to get much done, but since when is SPAM able to have the day off? I want to know if the people behind these messages actually have paid holidays and vacation time. If there is one thing I thought I could count on is to receive in the upwards of 50 emails a day telling me how I can take my hog to another level with pills that will give me an additional 3”. I was wrong though, Outlook locked up on me and there it all was waiting for me to delete it, all 48 emails. Continue reading

Your Mamma Jokes

I thought these had died out in the 90’s but it seems not. I was hit with a couple the other day but they weren’t funny. It was like the guy just wanted to get my goat by telling me he had sex with my mom. I am smarter than the average bear though and I know he did not, but he did seem creepy enough to do it. Some people you just have to base on their looks and then take personality in consideration later.

There are some things to remember if you’re going to get people with these jokes. The first thing you have to remember is to make sure you’re not odd looking enough for someone to believe you really did (this could be challenging for some). Once you have achieved step one proceed to lay down the law with a great punch line. Make the punch line something like ,” and she is still at my house.” Be aware that I may call your house to see if you’re lying. It’s tough to trust moms, especially when these rumors could be true. Lastly, try to update your jokes from the 90’s. We have all heard “Your mamma is so fat that when she wears a Malcolm X jacket helicopters land on her”.

Thinking about it, I wonder if the gay community has the same problem with dad jokes. I don’t know the response I would have if someone came to me with a “I fucked your dad last night”. That would probably make me cry.

Kay-Bee Toys Sucks This Season

Today my wife went shopping for 7 hours and hit all the stores she could to finish out the Christmas shopping for our 5 kids. This I was extremely thankful for because I didn’t have to do it. When she came home I was like WTF!? while me and my 2 year old was greeting her at the door. There she stood with opaque plastic bags of clothes for her and about 4 other bags with the same great features. There was this one bag though that contained all the presents (mostly for the 2 year old which was standing with me).

Fucking Kay-Bee toys decided they would bless us with clear giant bags. I felt so good that I probably will never shop there again. I wonder who in management thought,”You know we should be a little more transparent during the holidays.” Whoever it was…you’re a moron. So now of course I have to deal with a 2-yr old crying for these presents that I have to wrap with a sheet. I know most of you are saying well why didn’t your wife hide it…she has the distinct pleasure of reading this when I finish.

Ok there is my rant for today. I feel better, and hopefully tomorrow will bring me something even better.

The First Post

The first post on a blog is always the hardest. It’s the one that will set a standard for the rest. I won’t shoot very high because I don’t want anyone to expect anything from me in the long run. After all I am American and I am not a celebrity so no one will give a shit anyways. So my first post should be to welcome everyone to my blog where I and my friends will share all kinds of daily stuff with you so you can screw off at work, or kill time at home. Now I am done and I can start on the second post which is more important.