So how do I know I am tired and not grumpy? I get this feeling of frustration and droopy eyes for the first hour or so. Then I drink coffee or tea and the same result happens. Actually I drag ass around the house until I can think of something miserable I can write on 2kgs and if I can’t write anything I usually just curl up in a ball somewhere in the kitchen and cry. If that doesn’t work I surf for pornography and new brake pads for my car on Amazon. If all else fails I try to watch Nova until I can fall back asleep only to find out I can’t fall back asleep. I am not proud that I can’t sleep.

Could it be my diet? Netflix has been showing me a lot of documentaries about my diet lately. Perhaps it’s cancer from all the red meat I eat? Nah, cant be, I am too young and handsome for cancer. There is little doubt even cancer has a heart for guys like me. I suppose it could be diabetes. I did feel my feet get a little numb one time. Sometimes if I drink the night before I sleep like a champ, but I don’t necessarily enjoying drinking to sleep. Let’s face it, we enjoying drinking to get drunk and say stupid things we have to apologize for later.

Even writing this is actually making me more tired. I have tried surfing pornography while writing this and it’s not helping either. I should update my Facebook to something like “I am so tired, FML”, but I don’t want to look like a homosexual using a term like FML. The fact that I would even abbreviate “Fuck My Life” makes me uncomfortable just being around myself. I can only imagine this is how Rick Perry feels right now after learning that his ad sucks and he is a homosexual hater. Thinking about that, you might even think I am a homosexual hater because of my jokes. I want to ensure you that I am not. They are fun to make make jokes about just like straight people.

Did I tell anyone that I was tired while writing this? Before you say,”Yes asshole, go to bed already.” I should probably say your words can’t hurt me. Divorce hurts me, and even then, not much. Words are child’s play. So before you write me off, I will have a coffee and then I expect to do some writing here on this blog. Not because I want to, but because I know this blog is going to make me rich. Genius doesn’t come cheap, right?

So as I delved into a slumber by 2am I feverishly dreamed about what it would be like to get the extra 20-50% off of the things I don’t need. It took so long to think about it I finally woke up around 11am EST. Knowing that most of the sales have ended because of my failure to own a rooster to wake me before the crack of dawn I decided to prepare myself for the last portion of the Black Friday. So I went back to sleep for 20 more minutes till I finally awakened into a coffee craving mood. Finally by 4pm I decided to go buy myself a bandsaw and a sander at 10% off. I was lucky because there was only half a pallet left. Then it clicked, there is no construction going on in America right now. I could have actually taken a couple more weeks to get these items and still got 10% off.

Thinking the day was over my wonderful wife looked at me and said there was a sale. How could I ever turn her down so I did what any responsible husband would do and took her shopping. She wound up with a Coach handbag that made her smile beyond words. This is when I discovered that Black Friday was not about me, but her. So the moral of the story? Black Friday is a ridiculous commercial tradition, but my wife is more important than the things I find unimportant.

So onto Cyber Monday when I continue to surf the internet and use shopping as my excuse.

Wikipedia and I need to have a talk. Well, maybe a write off or something. If I could write something to Wikipedia as a whole it would be something like this:

Dear Wikipedia,

You’re special in many ways, but you’re not complete. You are missing me. I know, I know…I am not a rockstar, a pornstar, a mass murderer, Hollywood filmstar, heck I am not even a kid’s show host. I only ask that one day you consider me as a page. I am just a normal guy. I have some children, and I have some websites. I haven’t done anything too special in my life but I can make people smile and laugh. You have around 1.8Mil pages in yourself, and what would be one more about me? Perhaps you could just say a couple things about me like I am handsome, or I am above average in my IQ. I yearn for you to write about me and my life.

Signed,
Desperately seeking Attention

Obviously, because of my previous attempts to get into Wikipedia and being deleted over and over again then being threatened of banishment like a restraining order on a pedophile with Big W as the victim I do rest in my attempts for now. I don’t know if anyone else has had this happen with Wikipedia. Oh yes my friends, just try to enter something crazy into Wikipedia like yourself or a link to another site. You will feel the almighty thunderous cackles and cries of W before your eyes with a note from the anonymous editor saying,”I am watching you.” To me it seems creepy. After my experience I felt dirty, and I took 3 showers. Still to this day I feel like a toolbag just looking at the site knowing what could have been, a picture of me up in electrons across my 19″ monitor.

It’s simply amazing how anal an editor there could be. I even explained back at one point when I got detention from them for adding one of my informative sites that contributed to the article, that I was trying to increase the information because I was a well-informed individual that has practically written a book on the subject at hand. I was reprimanded because that site sold merchandise that funded the server it sits on. That was it for me. I never returned, not even a little. Well ok, a little but only to see if they added a page about me yet.

In case Wikipedia stops by to read this article (which I am sure they will) I should probably put some highlights about me in this. My name is Adam Mulholland, I am 30 (birthdate is May, 9th 1978, and yes I expect presents from everyone reading this), I have a fair complexion that Asian women really adore, I have long eyelashes, I won a spelling bee in 6th Grade, I used to own a 89′ Ford Mustang GT, and I love Filipino food. I hope thats enough to get started. Wait, perhaps I should add that I almost tried out for the Oscar the Grouch position in 1997 but I never even applied or left my house, and I did think about co-starring on NYPD Blue but the same result happened.

Perhaps I will gain notoriety in my future then it will be automatic. I am curious to what the threshold of success is before you get a page. For instance is it 500 people know who you are? Is is your town, state, or region? Do myspace friends count? I mean damn it! Kevin Federline has a page. That does feel insulting. Whatever the case, I don’t think I am getting a fair shake. I’m just asking Wikipedia to think about it.

Maybe I could be taken through the teller window and placed into some wallet of a guy that is heading to the local strip join. I could sit on the table enjoying the women of the pole until the right one comes by, then I could be aggressively shoved into a g-string or guarder belt where I could feel the soft skin of a women trying to feed 3 kids at home. As I am counted with 50 other ones that were collected throughout the night and I can sit and hope she will tuck me, the special one, into the bra so I could get a cheap feel of her breast. This could be that skanky dream I have been looking for now that I write this. I could be lucky enough to be spent at the local grocery store in exchange for 2 bottles of baby food.

Once I am in the cash drawer awaiting for a new owner I could be telling the other dollar bills about the night I had with the stripper. After a while perhaps a senior citizen will take me away in a crocheted purse and I can change my smell from the hours of the night to moth balls or sanitizer. Finally I would feel clean again until I am taken out and handed to a Wal-Mart cashier for a tube of denture cream along with a couple of my recent close friends I have gotten to know along the journey. Once into the drawer I can start living it up again till the ex-baby boomer gets me as change and I am headed to CA for a convention about going green. There I can smell the medically dispensed marijuana in the air as the crowd swarms in to find that no other state is going green as fast as them and how disappointed they are.

I am then brought to a vegan restaurant and placed as a tip but then left in the dark for several minutes after a rolling blackout has hit the restaurant. Once the lights come back on the waiter puts me into his pocket where I get a whiff of the scent of hell. I come to the conclusion quick that I am hanging with a gentlemen that prefers men to women. As he gets off work for the night I am stuck in his wallet heading to the airport heading towards NYC. Yes! I get to do some traveling and as we touch down in NYC I am forgotten in his wallet at the rental car counter.

I know I will return to him but as I think this the gentleman behind the counter retrieves me from the wallet and I am placed inside of his. This guy has got to show me some excitement, after all this is NYC. I quickly learn the of dice in an alley that evening after he gets off shift. It’s me and a gang of gamblers trying to get a quick buck. Quickly I am earned by a man named Joe and we are off to his apartment. I am living it up on the 3rd floor of a lower housing development only to learn I won’t be staying for long. His oldest son takes me from the folded up wad of cash I was relaxing inside of and quickly traded at the local store for a pack or gum.

Once in the cash drawer again I spend hours listening to words I don’t know. For the next fews hours i pretend I am from a country not on this side of the world till a woman picks me up and we are off to a cab. She steps in and i hear some amusement ride sounds and see some bright lights. Holy SHIT! I am in the Cash Cab! Well at least only temporarily as this woman gets the first three answers wrong and we are kicked out one block later. As she gets out with a sniffle and a tear some really fast dude that should be playing pro running back grabs me and the contents of her purse and race down the sidewalk. We end up hiding out in some Korean restaurant and wait for the heat to cool. Finally, I can relax as this guy is going no where fast.

I am again left as a tip on the table but this time the Jewish waiter picks my up and puts me in his pocket. I feel sad inside, and completely torn apart. I now know I will never be spent again, but only counted and counted till the tests of time.

That’s my thought of what it would be like to be a dollar bill. There is so many ways you could live your life as money. I tried to think of one way but it may not be the one you would choose. Till the next blog, happy reading!