The Christian saint Valentinus is a jerk. I owe him my $100-$300 “love” bill each February 14th. Just because he wanted to do a bunch of illegal weddings a long time ago because love is special shouldn’t translate into me spending a fuck ton of my money for someone that knows I love her. This is mind boggling to me. Who wins on February 14? It’s Hallmark, the chocolate makers, and the flower industry. For that, they are complete assholes for continuing this celebration.
Nothing makes me more upset than spending money. I am a lot like Eugene Krabs when it comes to letting go of a dollar. Many have called me a cheap Charlie and I am ok with that.
Valentine’s Day is one of the most uncomfortable Day’s for me to endure because as soon as I wake up there is a female wondering where the gift is. I can remember when I was in early grade school and those stupid Valentine cards. I would have to tell other boys and girls that I want to be their Valentine. Well for all of you that I gave a card to that is reading this post, I take it back. I never wanted to be your Valentine and my mother made me do it.
So what’s the norm for the day as far as gifts go? Normally there is a guilt trip for a Coach bag (which is a very stupid bag, but clever marketing idea), some fancy dinner somewhere that is very expensive, and of course finding some ridiculous chocolate and flowers that won’t last past the week. My ladies are worth everything I get them, but to put a ridiculous pressure on me to spend a ton of money for one day a year pisses me off more than a lot of things.
Valentine’s Day puts that pressure on me, not my wife. The problem is no matter how many times that she tells me that I don’t need to buy a gift or take her to a fancy restaurant, all her friends post all the shit they got on Facebook. They fuck me every year this way. Someone gets a damn Death Star for Valentines Day and I have to figure how to do better so my wife doesn’t look like she is loved the least out of her friends. To all those husbands making me look bad, I tell you that you can go to Hell.
Why do we let this day financially consume us? Much like Christmas, these companies market to us idiots every year in the same manner. When are we going to revolt and tell Hallmark to go fuck itself? Just to avoid giving them money I make my own cards out of construction paper and macaroni. My wife is often disappointed and I am sent to the couch for not being “cute”, but to me it’s a personal win. I need more guys that are winning on these holidays.
I was disgusted to watch a segment on Fox News about what to get a girl you just started dating. They suggested all kinds of flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, and dinner of course. I say nothing. Make her earn it. After all, each year she is looking for the bigger pay off so you are never going to win.
I don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day. I have been told many times I get sex for Valentine’s Day. I say that sucks. I spend my paycheck on her, and I get something free in return. I would rather not buy anything, have her be pissed, and spend a smaller amount on sex with a lady of the eve. We don’t all win but I would feel better. I have run all kinds of scenarios in my head on how to avoid this day from faking my own death to putting together a false abduction. None of it will go over well so this year I sent my wife to the Philippines to spend time with her family. It’s a small win but I know Valentine’s Day will be back in another year and I will be back at the drawing board.
Let me know how you win on Valentine’s Day and don’t be a dick and tell me how much money you spend each year.